Africa.

So I'm thinking about going to Africa.

After China.

In case you don't know, but you've probably heard, on December 28th I'll be heading off to China for three months.  But after that about fifteen of us students are needed to head off to Cape Town in South Africa for a year.

I want to go.

But I'm not sure if that's where God wants me.  I have recently started becoming a person who really, really, REALLY wants to do exactly as God wants me to do.  I've realized that he's just so darn smarter and wiser then me, and he's more dedicated to making sure my life goes great then I could ever be.  So if he for some reason wants me to stay home, or go somewhere else, I want to listen.  But me being the impatient person I am want to know right now what his plans are for me.  I don't want to have to wait for a sure answer that might not come for months more.  I still have plenty of time to decide!  But see I want to know my future now!  Which is totally silly!  Because he knows that I'm not ready to know all that yet.

Let's just think back about eight years.  If I had known then that woah, I'm moving, and I'll lose some of my then-best-friends through it, it would've broke me.  But I can look back now and see how it all worked out for the best.  Five years ago if God would've told me that I was going to Mexico, I would've freaked out.  If a year ago God would've told me that the relationship I was in wouldn't last forever, and that a little after I was gonna be sent away for six months and go to potentially dangerous places, I would've stomped my pissy little foot and complained.  See we just aren't ready for what God has in store for us.  So maybe I should just be crying "Oh my gosh God!  Thank you soooo much for not telling me what's gonna happen with my future!"

Needless to say I'm not to that point yet.  ;-)

But back to Africa.  I don't need to decide yet.  I don't need to know for sure yet.  What I'm evaluating now is my motivation.  I want to go and do God's work but I also have other motivations for going that might not be bad in themselves but should NOT be the reason for which I take off to the other side of the world for a year.

Things like... I know some people here who are also thinking about going that I love the idea of spending a year with.  I could see the group of us being super close and having so many joyous times together.  There's all sorts of amazing animals around there, like zebras and buffalo nearby, and even monkeys all around town.  And the children!  I love kids!  I would love being around them, talking to them, loving on them!  And just being in Africa would be such an adventure in itself.  I love adventure!  I love travel!  And I've wanted to go to Africa ever since I was little.

Now these are all good reasons to go somewhere.  They aren't wrong in and of themselves.  But they shouldn't be a factor in whether or not I go or not.  My reason should be God.  Making his kingdom come to the darkest places.  Making his story of love known to those who haven't heard.  Making sure there isn't any group of people on this earth who don't get a chance to hear how much God LOVES them!!

And I have to admit to that there might be motivations for going that I need to wipe out of my mind right now and forever.  Crap that has been forming in my mind like gooey mold ever since I thought about being a missionary as a kid.  Stuff like "I'll look like such a good Christian and people will think I'm super Godly." or  "People will think I'm really brave for going to dangerous places." or "If I'm in some crazy country surrounded by people who are madly in love with Jesus, like it was in Mexico, maybe I won't fall back into depression and I can keep riding this 'Jesus high' that I'll lose if I just go home."

My dear friends back home who pray, please pray that any time any of these thoughts start to cross my mind that I'll recognize them immediately and get them out.

But more on the possibility of going.  I want to go, and a couple times I think I've felt God telling me I should go.  But every time I can't figure out if it's my wishful imagination or God's soft voice.  See when God wanted me to go to Mexico, I knew it was him, because I SURELY did not want to go to Mexico.  If I feel a call to somewhere I've specifically asked God NOT to send me to I know it's him!  But if it's something I really want to do, it's harder to know whether it's my will only or a desire shared by both me and God.

I love you and miss you.  Please pray for wisdom.